I aim for perfection in every aspect of my life — especially in the bathroom. I’m convinced there are too many constraints in the bathroom stalls at the workplace, that obstruct your ability to have a successful potty break? OK! Don’t judge, but I am about to reveal a slight imperfection about my socially flawed ability to pee with success in public bathrooms — especially in the workplace.
I’m already shy when it comes to relieving myself while uncomfortably hovering over the bathroom stall, next to other occupants of the remaining stalls. Wait — don’t judge. No, I don’t take my time and lace the seat with the one ply bathroom seat cover to avoid mishaps, because I don’t have that kind of time. I like to get in and get out — quickly, and in record breaking time. The workplace bathroom isn’t the place that I want to spend my valuable time. There’s no privacy in the bathroom at work. You have clans of women who act like high school teens piling through the doors together, as they stand by the mirror chatting about absolutely nothing — and then they pile into individual stalls and continue to converse with each other. Someone like me, who needs complete silence to concentrate on the deed at hand as I’m hovered over the seat, strategically aiming the stream, while simultaneously mind controlling the speed and velocity; can easily be distracted through the annoying chatter of workplace gossip and mischief. The aim and delivery of natural fluids during potty breaks takes skill and exact precision — which I am proud to say I am a work in progress and hope to master successfully. It takes just one unpredictable shift in stance and weight redistribution during the hovering process to claim casualties of war, like wet ankles or heels –during my pee time. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens. Good thing I keep a supply of hygiene necessities stored in my office.
I now spend my breaks scouting out quiet bathrooms in all of the adjoining buildings in my workplace to secure the designated amount of quiet time to pee successfully!