Is it me…or should there be mandatory size regulations for bathroom stalls? I believe routine potty time should exclude concussions.
For the past few weeks, I’ve had a cloud of wonderment hovering over my head, trying to decipher the reason for my discomfort during my personal time of release. I know my head is big (well at least that’s what the snotty nose kids at school used to tell me) but is it really necessary to create a matchbox experience for the real leaders of the world, who just want to get in and get out? Obviously since the beginning of time, men have always complained that women take too long to complete any process; whether it is choosing towels in the aisle of Walmart, or to tell a funny story. Men definitely think women are incapable of cutting down our pee time to anything less than ten minutes, especially if we take an entourage of hens to the bathroom to powder noses together. Maybe a committee of men decided to create tight spaces in the potty chamber hoping the inconvenience would decrease the amount of time women spend in the bathroom. Unfortunately for me and probably at least 80% of the women in the world the tight space just slows down the whole intimate process.
Take a moment to visualize the scene:
You rush into an empty stall after minutes of holding off the water works with your “go back pee pee” lyrics. Repeating the song several times prompt you into breaking into your rain dance as you approach the empty stall that looks suspiciously small, but as close as you are to the bursting point, you could care less. You push open the door and stop your haste because now you have to decipher the correct ergonomics to maneuver your limbs into a contorted position to successfully force your butt through the door.
Now you’ve made it inside the stall but suddenly realize you have to hold onto the side walls of the stall in order to lean backwards in order to create enough space to close the door. Just as you feel sweat beads drizzling down your face you quickly remember the reason why you’re in the contorted position – because five minutes has lapsed since you sang the bathroom jingle to stop your pee from crashing through unwanted territory – the floor underneath your exposed ankles, accessorized with thong sandals.
You quickly regain strategic thinking to avoid falling backwards into the recycled water beneath you. The sweat glands on your hands and fingertips allow a little leverage to extend your fingers over the buttons of your pants. Then you lean forward, and without careful thinking, you forcefully plant your forehead on the bathroom door, as you shimmy your pants down low enough for you to squat and release.
The most difficult segment of this potty break session is successfully hovering your hips in a downward/upward position simultaneously, to point and aim the clogged stream in a perfect angle that would successfully leave your thighs, pants and shoes dry. Seriously, all you intended to do was relieve yourself in record time, but instead, you just created another record of inconvenience topped with moist legs and shoes.
Relieving yourself during your routine potty break should not consist of concussions, wet ‘n wild mishaps and embarrassment.